It’s 10am. This new craving for coconut rice is what i don’t seem to understand but nevertheless (wow, I sabi beta english o. Lol), let me get up and go to the market.
Ghen gheeeen! 174 whatsap notifications…who sent my village people to me oooooo?
With a shaky mind, I proceeded to opening the messages. Who knows, someone might be asking for my account number (Yelz, bank alerts have been a tested and trusted most reliable drug in curing depression, in fact all kinds of diseases sef…but don’t quote me oh, iss nor me dah says it. Lol.). What? You mean I was added to eighteen solid groups? Wait o, is my father on Whatsapp without my knowledge? Because the last time I checked, only my parents had the right to do anything they please to me without seeking my consent first. So when did I sign this warrant to end my peace and kill my 100 percent fully charged battery in 5 minuites because of whatsapp group messages? Gosh! And to think they are all irrelevant groups ehn!
Mmmmmm! My tummy is chanting o but ah, market won’t close till night time so dear stomach, wait. This whatsapp wahala is too much so let me deal with it squarely. Hahah…yes, I talk to my stomach, go and talk to yours.
So where are we? Yea yea, I remember. So eighteen groups I could forgive but this evangelist miss “forward as received” has also been added to the eighteen groups. Trust me, my story is tragic. I have received the same message in eighteen groups plus one direct one from aunty evangelist to me making it nineteen…Me to myself , “this girl is calling me dumb stylishly because they say a word is enough for the wise so nineteen nko? It’s for the dumb na.” Abi I lie?
Now I’m not finding it funny anymore o, this is stalking, bugging, choking, neck wrecking, strangling, please give me words…
How can people do this to people? Because you don’t have to send requests to be accepted into one’s whatsap friend’s list must you decide to use people’s number anyhow you please? Is it your number or are we your property? Have you heard of the right to privacy? Do you know you are breaching the law?
Please someone recommend me a lawyer, I’m fed up, sorry, I meant to say I’m hungry o. My tummy is now carrying a placard and chanting “we no go gree o, we no go gree.”
Mtcheew, aunty evangelist, my tummy has saved you today. Let me just come and be going. Try me next time if I will not sue you back to back.
Ewooo! See me o, I haven’t even removed myself from the eighteen groups, chai! No way, tummy dear, wait o.
#Sits down again, removes self from the groups, checks other whatsap messages to REPLY A FEW, checks facebook, instagram, snaps a selfie…
And the time is….8pm.
Let me just sip garri with milk and sleep. I will go to the market tomorrow jor, Afterall it’s me that didn’t eat all day and not you abeg.
(Uti Essien is an OAP on Harvest FM-Makurdi, Compèré, Communication Expert, and a Creative Writer with focus on Humour and Poetry)